D (displacency) wrote,

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It's been a long ass time since I've written in this. Or felt the need to, even. For the most part, I'm extremely content, lately. It's amazing, to be honest. I didn't know this was possible.

Anyways. On to the reason why I felt I should write in this. My mother is having a terrible night. She's having these strange fits, where she'll cry and hug me, and then she and he will scream at eachother, and then she'll cry and hug me some more.. at one point she even told me that when she dies, she wants me to take her rings, and not let "them" get to any of her jewelry. I hate it when she's like this. I'm exactly the same way, and I suppose that is inevitable, but still. When it's me, it feels like it's justified. When it's her, it frightens me. My mother is supposed to live long enough to see me marry, and to see her first grandchild and whatnot. I don't know how well I'd be able to handle it, if she wasn't around. Her other two children aren't even in highschool yet. Granted, she doesn't see them often, but that could change, at any time. If she'd only get clean and stay clean. I'm being a huge hypocrite when I say that, but I'm also 18 years old, not 38 years old, and I do not have three children depending upon me.

I love my mother to death, but she should not have had children. She's just the type who is going to continue to get fucked up, on a daily basis, until someone intervenes and places her in rehab, just like they did with my papa. I don't want to have to be the person to do that to her, really I don't.. but if I must, I will. I feel like I can't leave her, anymore, because she'll have a breakdown if I do. I feel like I'm the parent, and she's my child, my irresponsible child. I hate to see her doing this to herself, and I swear I will never become that. If I do find that I need mind altering substances to keep myself sane, I will certainly not have children. She should've known better. She was only a bit older than I am now, when she had me. I do not want to be her. I know I'm not responsible enough to be a parent right now, and I probably won't be, until I'm well into adulthood. I don't even know if I want children, for sure.. Though the way things are going right now, it's definitely a possibility..

I'm just venting, and sometimes when I vent, I completely lose focus of the subject I started writing about, and I just write down everything that pops up in my head, which may or may not be a good thing. I think I'm done, for the moment, but I have this strange feeling I'll be writing more later..
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