D (displacency) wrote,

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I want to say things..

Just, to write, about everything that's pissing me off, right now. Alas, I cannot. Everything that's bothering me, needs to stay in my head. I don't want to let it out. It'd either relieve me, or totally break me, and I'd rather not find out which.


Life is fucking strange, right now. I'm more moody than ever before. I'm not sleeping, or eating. I can't figure it out. I'm not doped up, or cranked out, or anything. I just don't bother with normal everyday proceedings, anymore. I can't think, or hate, or love. I just can't do it. I feel dead, sort of. I'm not motivated to even feel like shit, anymore. I'm just numb.


At times, I feel like I could finally just break down and cry, and then it disappears. I drink a lot. It helps, with certain issues. However, I do need to quit. People I'm rarely even around anymore, ask me about it. One guy suggested I seek treatment, last night, but I won't. I can't. It'd be too embarassing. Plus the fact that I'm not even half as bad as my mother, or any of my other family members. I'll get over it. It's just a phase. I hope..


I really truly do fear actually turning out like my mother. I mean, she's my mother, and I love her, more than life itself.. But I don't want to be her. I've seen what her lifestyle does to her. It's killing her, slowly. I don't want that. I know that if I put my mind to it, I could go somewhere, and probably succeed in life, it's just, there's no motivation there for me. So, I succeed in life, have everything I could possibly want, etc.. And where does it get me? Dead.


I'm probably not even having rational thoughts right now. But it feels good to vent.. So good.

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