D (displacency) wrote,

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I did it, last night.. Again. I made myself bleed. It had been so long, that at first, it was just a stinging sensation in my arm. But then, I felt, like I could breathe again. All of my troubles bled out of me, at least for the moment. They were just, gone. I could think, again, without bursting into tears. It was such a feeling of relief, that swept through my body. I've missed this....


I won't allow myself to slip and do it again, last night was just the worst night I've had in a long time. I needed it, to keep myself sane. I don't cut for the attention, or because I'm 'seeking help'. I do it because it helps me. It makes me feel, not so alone.. I've never been one to talk about my problems. Noone in my family has. I was always taught to just keep my opinions to myself. I have a very, conflicting personality. I'm not very sane, in the first place.


I'm just the crazy girl who sits in the corner, all alone, and rocks back and forth. I think I kind of scare certain people. They all think I'm extremely intelligent, and 'in touch' with myself, apparently. Or so they say.. All of the people I grew up with, from around here, the ones who stayed the same, while I changed. I don't know what exactly made me different, but I can't sit around and pretend to be happy like they can. I'm not one to fake a personality, and I'm certainly not one to just sit around and let the world fall apart around me, while I fake a smile and pretend everything's fucking peachy.


I've been thinking about my future, recently. I never did before, I just assumed I'd be dead before I had a chance to try out adulthood. But apparently I was wrong, because I am now an adult, but I have no idea where the hell I want to go in life, or what I want to do. My mother wants me to go into that horribly militant and strict program. But I don't deal well with authority. I've been spoiled my whole life. I've always gotten what I wanted, and now that they're actually saying no to me, I don't know how to react. I suppose I could go along with it and let them walk all over me, but I don't want to do that. Eh. I guess I've run out of things to write, for the moment..


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