D (displacency) wrote,

i haven't felt the need to write in this journal for quite awhile.

I'm a very jealous person. extremely jealous. When we go out places, I have a tendency to glare at other females just for looking at him. Sometimes I think about how exactly I'd make them regret the day they did such a thing. Those are the times when I think I might be insane.

I trust him more than any other male I've been with, he hasn't done one thing to fuck that up, thus far, but I still cannot put my complete trust into him, and I don't know if that's a bad thing, or if it's okay that I am cautious.

I have no doubts that I love him, but I have some doubts about him loving me back, sometimes. I know he loves me to a certain extent, but I'm just not sure how far that goes, or if it's as deep as mine goes.

I have this fucked up tendency to think "Oh, he met me online, so maybe he wouldn't bother to cheat on me physically, and he'd just find some intelligent, yet hideous skank online, to fulfill the intellectual gap that there is in between us." That really freaks me out. I don't know if I'd consider that to be cheating or not, though I probably would.

If this relationship fails, it's over. I can't bother to try anymore. I won't bother.

Sometimes we argue over stupid things, and I cry. I can't understand that. I cried a fair amount before, but that's not nearly as much as I do now. My emotions are running rampant, and I don't exactly like it.

Maybe I should've saved myself for a person who needs no one in their life but me, someone who can tend to my selfish needs, and who will try not to leave my side very often, so that I don't have to have these fucking panic attacks over what appears to be nothing.

I don't know why I'm like this. I've been cheated on before, but hasn't everybody? If anything, I should be grateful that he doesn't kick the shit out of me like others in my life have done. I'm so fucking insecure, and sick to my stomach. I feel like I could die right now. My heart is pounding, my throat is tightening up, and I have this sick feeling that it's all for nothing.

I hope it's all for nothing, and I hope that my fears are completely unfounded.

It's not like I can tell him to avoid other females at all costs, because that would be bordering on obsession with this stupid subject, and it wouldn't solve things at all.

When we were back home, in that tiny apartment, and it was just he and I, I was the most happy. I think that's when he was, as well. I want it to be like that, in our future. I want to be able to have sex with him, without worrying about family members or roommates hearing us. I want to be able to lay with him and just, smoke cigarettes and talk. that's all I want, and it seems so fucking impossible to achieve, right now. it seems like I've been away from home for forever, and like the next month is going to take a year, but I know it'll come soon enough, and then maybe I can calm down.

I don't think it was smart of me to try to leave home at all, in the first place. I have some major separation issues, it seems, much worse than I had realised. I just want to feel at ease again, and I haven't felt so in the past two months.

I'm still glad that I am here with him, because I don't know how well I'd deal with being without him. I'm in love. I'm a little freaked out, but still, in love.

. . Done.
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