D (displacency) wrote,

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I wonder if this is normal, sometimes..

This weird fucking attitude that I have. I cry a lot, and I sometimes think it's normal, but then everyone around me seems to be my opposite. They all seem so happy, and I'm just the one who mopes around and never smiles. I know there are people 'like me', but I don't feel normal, anymore.

I sob over tiny shit, and over big shit, and over anything that fucks me off in the least bit. It's sort of like my emotions are magnified, times one hundred. I'm never peaceful, and calm.. I've always got to over-dramatise everything.


I sicken myself, sometimes. I don't want to be me. I don't know what fucking happened to me. I was a calm, happy child, and then, when I was 13, I had my breakdown or whatever. I tried to _stab_ her. The woman who gave birth to me. I shouldn't have been released. I'm starting to get that feeling again. Like the one I had before the first 'incident'. There's also nothing I can do to stop it. Ah well, perhaps it'll make people stop trying to change me.

I've got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sort of like, something bad and tragic and horrible is about to happen, but I don't quite know what it could be, yet. Perhaps it's me. It might be the end. I don't see myself having a future. I never have. It's been my experience, that with people around my own age, most have goals for themselves, and can see themselves living to an old age. I've never had that. I don't feel like even surviving the night, anymore. I'm not glad when I wake up in the morning, I'm disappointed. If there was a God, he'd put me out of this misery, and let me rest in peace. But apparently it's up to me, to either live, and make something out of myself, or end it, all on my own.


I've been sort of thinking lately that perhaps Travis was good for me. He made me realise that it's impossible for me to have a successful relationship. They're not for me. I thought I wanted one, but apparently I was wrong. I knew what I was doing when I fucked around. I was drinking, but I was still sober enough to realise what was happening. I ruined it intentionally. I hope he learned his lesson. Don't try to get with people from the 'other side of the tracks', so to speak. I'm stubborn, and I'll never, ever change myself for someone who could end up leaving me. I'm me. I've developed this unique personality, and if you can't deal with the way I am, as a person, then fuck you.


There are so many mixed emotions running through me, right now. I'm contradicting myself every two minutes, and I'm so fucking confused. I don't know what to do about anything anymore.

I want to go back, and live my life all over. I'd do so many things differently..

I guess that's it, for the moment.
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