D (displacency) wrote,
D
displacency

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Ugh..

I don't even know what I'm doing. I can't believe I even had that thought. To hurt myself, over someone so completely not worth it, would be positively idiotic. I think, a few years ago, I would've done it, but I have matured, hopefully, since then.

I wonder why this even gets to me, at all. I pride myself on not caring. It's sick, really.

I've been thinking, that he's fake, for quite awhile now. It was too good to be true, however, not really. I've done better, in the past. At least the people I've had relationships with, before, could see their own faults. They weren't these self-involved whining brats, like this one. They were real. They had drinking problems, and anger issues, and they were real people. They were human.

--

Sometimes, I think, that I'm not the insane one. I could be perfectly rational in all of my thoughts, and not even know it. The world's standards are fucked up. Humanity is fucked up. It makes me sick to my stomach, just thinking about it. People use eachother, all the time. It's so sad. I didn't used to do this. I used to be innocent. I'm not talking, when I was 5 years old and shit, I'm saying, just a few years ago. Maybe four, maybe three. I wasn't this manipulative, angry creature that I have become. .

I don't understand it, anymore. The world has certain limitations on certain things, and they want you to have a certain attitude, and be a certain way, and I can't stand it anymore. I wanted to be alone in the first place, from the times back in the 7th grade when I'd 'go out' with boys just so we could pretend to be a couple. It was idiotic, now that I think of it. I was stupid to even start. I was stupid to ever have sex.. but that also was something that I thought I had to do. I was accepted, and still am, because of this facade I put on.. This isn't me. It never was. I pretend because if I suddenly change, and try to reveal the real me, people will think I'm faking that.

--

I'm making no sense, but I don't care anymore. I don't need to impress anyone. I just want to write down what's going through my mind right now, just so I can re-read it a few days from now, weeks from now, etc.

It feels good, to write. It feels good, to feel. I'm so happy I have this way of venting, of making myself feel better. I'm actually beginning to stop shaking, and to have some calm thoughts. I don't know why I even began to care.

--

I'm finished with relationships, at least, until I move. Perhaps I'll find someone in WA, who I can tolerate. You never know, right? For the moment, however, I'm going to continue to work on my GED, stay as sober as possible, and redeem myself for every heartless moment I've had, recently. I want to be me, again.. I don't want to be this cold bitch. I want to open up, and be honest, and have beautiful thoughts again. I want to be able to state my opinion without fear of being ridiculed for it.. I want to not fear people anymore.

I want to be the me that I was before I got caught up in this fucking dreamworld.

--

My stomach is calm. I'm breathing normally, and I've completely stopped shaking, besides a little quiver here and there.

I don't think I'll go to my mother's, today. I'll stay in town and hang out with my girl, tonight. I miss that shit.

I'm finished for the moment. Suppose I'll shower.

-D
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