D (displacency) wrote,
D
displacency

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I want to say things..

Just, to write, about everything that's pissing me off, right now. Alas, I cannot. Everything that's bothering me, needs to stay in my head. I don't want to let it out. It'd either relieve me, or totally break me, and I'd rather not find out which.

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Life is fucking strange, right now. I'm more moody than ever before. I'm not sleeping, or eating. I can't figure it out. I'm not doped up, or cranked out, or anything. I just don't bother with normal everyday proceedings, anymore. I can't think, or hate, or love. I just can't do it. I feel dead, sort of. I'm not motivated to even feel like shit, anymore. I'm just numb.

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At times, I feel like I could finally just break down and cry, and then it disappears. I drink a lot. It helps, with certain issues. However, I do need to quit. People I'm rarely even around anymore, ask me about it. One guy suggested I seek treatment, last night, but I won't. I can't. It'd be too embarassing. Plus the fact that I'm not even half as bad as my mother, or any of my other family members. I'll get over it. It's just a phase. I hope..

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I really truly do fear actually turning out like my mother. I mean, she's my mother, and I love her, more than life itself.. But I don't want to be her. I've seen what her lifestyle does to her. It's killing her, slowly. I don't want that. I know that if I put my mind to it, I could go somewhere, and probably succeed in life, it's just, there's no motivation there for me. So, I succeed in life, have everything I could possibly want, etc.. And where does it get me? Dead.

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I'm probably not even having rational thoughts right now. But it feels good to vent.. So good.

-D
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