I wonder what the fuck happened to me, sometimes. I used to be this relatively happy person, who people wanted to be -around-, for the most part.. And now I'm just this gloomy, whatever the fuck I am. It scares the hell out of me.
I don't want to end up being one of those bitter old women who lives with like eighteen cats, and leaves the house, once weekly. I suppose I'm already on my way to that sort of a life, however. I just can't even bring myself to get out of bed, most days. I miss my old life, and I miss being happy, and actually wanting to do things.. But I can't fucking shake this feeling of dread, that I have in my stomach. I feel sick, constantly. I feel like something terrible is happening, as we speak, and it's all my fault.
I can't think of anything that has happened recently that was my fault, at all. I'm probably paranoid. You can add that to my list of disturbing characteristics. I'm just weirded out, about everything.
I'm possessive over anything that's mine, including my snatch and whatever else I used to give out for free usage anytime I got a drop of alcohol in my system. I mean, it isn't such a bad thing, I suppose, that I'm no longer so.. promiscuous, but I feel like something is missing in my life.. Something very crucial.
Maybe they're right, and what I need is to let someone 'love me'.. but I cannot bring myself to do it. I'm very defensive. I keep everything tucked deep inside, as of recent. I barely reveal anything about myself, anymore, because I see where it got me before. I have a reputation as being a skank, with people who have never even fucking met me. Some of them, are okay, and they don't judge me, but that's a very small number of people. I know I was not 'sinless' in the past, and I probably am not, now.. but fuck it. Get over it. I'm not perfect, and no matter how much I reform, and become the complete opposite of the person I used to be, there will still be that time in my life, hanging over my head, constantly, for the rest of my life.
I wish I could start over, and be like, 11 again, but it just isn't possible.. I wish I hadn't done the things that I did, but they did happen, and they are there to stay. I just wish people would realise that, and get over them. Get your own lives, stop meddling in mine. The part of my life, that is no longer me. I couldn't imagine myself doing anything of the sort, anymore. It disgusts me.
I let people use me, and fuck me, and break me, and whatever else they wanted, as long as I wasn't sober. It's a shame I became so dependant on alcohol, especially with my family's history and whatnot, but it did happen, and I am making every effort possible, not to let it return. I don't want to be like that, anymore, and if I lose all of my 'friends' and whatever else, because of it, then so be it. If they liked me because of how I was, before, and not who I was, then they were not real friends to begin with, I suppose.
This whole thing sounds like a speech my mother would give me, but maybe my mother's a lot more intelligent then I give her credit for.
I realise I write this same thing, over and over again, same concept, different words, but I just cannot believe how people treat eachother in the world today. It's sickening, really.
I am one of them, however. I shouldn't be, but I am. I'm slowly trying to grow out of it, and grow up.. I don't want to be like I am. I never imagined, when I was younger, that I would grow up to be such a vicious bitch. I can, however, work to shed the title, slowly..
. . .